Teresa’s Blog

Much change is taking place in my life right now.

Daughter Katie is looking for a house to buy. Loves her new job with Tucker Realty. Filling our already too full garage with stuff for her house.

Daughter Sarah settling into her job with ATL at Eli Lilly Corporate. Also making plans to move into her own place.

Andrew, our son, finishes his degree in December after student teaching this fall. And then, he is getting married in May to a lovely girl named Michelle. Wedding plans are underway with a vengance, and I’m trying to figure out my role as Mother-of-the-Groom.

My wonder-grandchildren are growing and providing unlimited entertainment. Chloe is 2 and never ceases talking/singing. (O.K., she gets it honestly) Dylan will be 1 year old in 3 weeks and is mobile now and HUGE! Mom Amanda started a new job that she loves, and Dad Brian is ending a job that he . . .well it kept him in the work-a-day-world. That means that Brian will be taking over my job as caregiver for the wee ones. So. I’m going to be out of work.

My Dad is selling his house and has moved into an addition at my sister’s house. I thought I was handling it pretty well until we held the auction of all of his and Mom’s stuff and they got to the part where they said, “We’re going to auction the house next. ” That’s when I realized it was really going to happen. I never actually live in this house. (They started building it right after Mark and I married.) This was the house where my family gathered to celebrate all the milestones of life. Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Fourth of July. I watched my girls tear-up as well when the auctioneer asked for starting bids. Hard. Tremendously hard. Hard for my Dad, grateful that my Mom doesn’t realize what is happening.

Mark is busy at work, as always, but at least trying to find a better balance. I think that he’s realizing that a lot of life has passed by while he was at the office. Transition of his own. Mark HATES change. Again, hard.

Me? I’m sad, excited, grieving, anticipating, reeling, standing on the Rock, and a little breathless. I remember when I was giving birth to each of our four children, that when I reached the ‘transition stage” I got very weepy. Unable to control what was happening but excited about the new life that was about to be born. I guess that is pretty much how I feel right now. Weepy, out of control and looking forward to seeing what is about to be birthed into my life.

I’ve passed the one year mark since I had the eye surgery/radiation on my left eye. While I don’t have any sight in the eye, some things have become much clearer.

My battle with weight has turned into a “Who gives a rip anyway and what difference does it make?” excuse for not doing what I know is healthy for me. I’ve gained back most of what I lost. I’m still going to meet with the folks at Olson Center For Wellness though. They haven’t given up on me. (Sometimes I think that ticks me off!)

Something hit me though as I watched the Biggest Loser finale Tuesday night. One of the women on the show was having a rough time once she got back home and was finally talking to her Mom about it. Her Mom was trying to be encouraging by telling her what an inspiration she was for all of her family and even thousands of people she didn’t know. Then the woman replied, “But I can’t be that, I wanted to do this just for me.”

That’s it.

I have tried time and time again to lose weight for all of the wrong reasons. To get to a certain size…to get a car (long story)…to give my husband a prettier wife…to be more attractive..to inspire my family…but never just for me. When I started thinking about it, I came to realize that I don’t really know how to do anything just for me. (Well except hide food to eat alone, but that doesn’t seem helpful.)

How do I lose weight just for myself? Take time to exercise just for me? Have a healthy meal just for me? I HAVE to figure this out. I know that it isn’t necessary to become totally self-absorbed, but that is what I think I fear will happen if I let myself think of me first. This is scary for me, but I have to find a way to do it.

Carrying the weight of what this will do for others is more than I can bear. If others are inspired, great, but I have to change the way I approach food in my life if I’m ever going to get to a weight that will allow me to be healthy. I have to understand that it is OK to think about what I need from life.

Kind of big and scary for me, but I think I’m ready to get started. I’m glad that I have people around me who love me and a God who loves me even when I don’t get it. I’ll keep you posted.

Last summer I noticed that there seemed to be a “shadow” in the vision of my left eye. In typical Teresa fashion, I ignored it for several months. Finally, in September, I made an appointment with my optometrist. At my appointment, Dr. Koval found that there was cause for concern and made an appointment for me to see Dr. John Minturn, a specialist.

October 1st Mark and I met with Dr. Minturn and we sat while he told us that I had an occular melanoma … a cancerous tumor in my left eye. Cancer huh? 97% cure rate. Surgery to implant a radioactive disc behind my eye. Four days in the hospital with limited human contact. Hmm.

I can’t even begin to tell you how at peace I was. I know that it had to have been God’s peace. It isn’t normal to be at peace when someone tells you that you have cancer. I didn’t “lose it” till the doctor told me I wouldn’t be able to be around my granddaughter Chloe during the four days that I was radioactive. That made me cry. But beyond that, I was and continue to be, wrapped in the love and peace of God.

November 9th, my 50th birthday, I had surgery at Methodist Hospital. Everything went as planned, and the next four days loomed ahead with little prospect of anything but boredom. I had a lead eye patch … not too stylish … and very heavy! I added a smiley face sticker to it one day, and a google-eye to see if I could persuade Dr. Minturn to smile, but he remained as stoic as ever. A couple of good friends braved the radiation, and my brother Joe (a dynamite jazz bassist) brought me a milkshake from Hardee’s. Beyond that it was Mark, the nursing staff, the Food Network, and me.
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Well, dear readers, Monday (July 27th) was the day this year for the Jenkins/Modesitt One Day Vacation to Kings Island in Ohio! Whoo-Hoo!

First, the sad part. Amanda and Brian couldn’t be with us this year. Seems they have this BABY responsibility. (OK, so at 4 months, Chloe couldn’t ride much.) Secondly, Weird Al wasn’t in concert this year. (Bummer)

We decided to go over on Sunday evening to save driving both ways in one day and to maximize our time in the park. The three grown children decided that they were unwilling to ride shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, etc. in the backseat of Mark’s Crown Vic, so Sarah’s Jeep Grand Cherokee was pressed into service as well. But wait! All of a sudden, Andrew isn’t feeling well.
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Hello again! I finally got my blog to believe that it really was me who was trying to add a new entry. It wouldn’t let me in for the longest time!

Anyway, an update is due as far as my new lifestyle is concerned. I am approaching the six month mark on my quest for health. (See entry: Fear Factor for the backstory.) Along the way I have been provided many guides/cheerleaders/astonished onlookers.

I can’t begin to fully express how great the staff of Indiana Center for Bariatric Medicine has been. (That’s right, ICBM. They’re da BOMB! Ha!) Dr. Eve Olson is a wonderful combination of “in-your-face-straight-talking-hard facts” and mega-encourager. Her heart for getting people healthy is unparalleled. Angie is the nutritionist who works with me. She is cute and perky, talks 100 miles an hour, and makes me write down every bite I put into my mouth. She has taught me more about nutrition labels that I ever cared to know. Tammy is my exercize guru. She pushes me to walk farther and faster, adds more weight to my lifting routine, and doesn’t look or act at all like my 9th grade P.E. teacher. (Thank God!) Jennifer is my couselor. She makes me cry. O.K., those of you who know me know that almost ANYTHING makes me cry, but she asks the hard questions in a quiet voice that is quite disarming and rather sneaky, I must say. Then there is the BEST medical assistant who checks me in, weighs me, takes my blood pressure, lets me hold my perfect granddaughter, Chloe, and is the best of my cheerleaders. Oh, her name is Amanda, and I guess I should mention that she is my daughter.

Then there is THE SCALE.
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Let me just say upfront that I HATE reality TV. I think my day to day life is real enough, thank you very much. But lately, God has been calling to my attention how much I live in fear.

At the beginning of the year, I ask God for a scripture to meditate on for the new year. (Beats the heck out of resolutions!) This year He called my attention to Psalm 27. It hit me right off. “Whom shall I fear?”

That’s rhetorical, right?

Well, God doesn’t call attention to something and then just leave me alone. One of the first fears that I’m having to face is the fear of doctors. Now, mind you, I’m not afraid of the PERSON necessarily, but of what the doctor represents to me:
-condemnation for not having been to see a doctor in 2 years
-condemnation for being overweight.
-fear of what health issues might really be there
-fear that I might have to change my life

You get the picture. Well I really have been convicted about this area of fear in my life, so I decided to act on it. (Just how many times does the Bible say “Fear not!”?) I made an appointment to see a doctor who not only is a friend of ours, but who specializes in medical weight loss. My first appointment went as I expected.

First, she DID get on me about not having been in for my annual and mammogram in 2 years.

Second, she was obviously on me about my weight.

Third, she tested for health issues that might be there.

and Fourth, she told me I was going to have to change my life.

But there was a major difference. EVERYTHING she said and did, she did out of concern for me, NOT condemnation. I left feeling strangely hopeful.

The next week when I went back, the test results were in. Not a pretty sight. As suspected, I tested positive for Type II Diabetes. Level 3 Obesity. High cholesterol. Danger of heart attack, stroke, etc. So, that which I had so greatly feared has come upon me. Strangely, I felt so calm as we discussed what changes I would be making in my life. Not fearful, calm. Even hopeful.

“The LORD is my salvation. Whom shall I fear?” I am certain that God is going to use this year to get me healthier. Healthier in body, soul, and mind. Since starting this new way of living, I am DAILY seeing God be my salvation as I throw myself on Him for strength to make it through. My enemies (myself foremost) have surrounded me, but God will hide me, and I don’t need to fear either failure or success. (Yes, I fear both.) As long as I am in Christ, I have nothing to fear.

Not even the Girl Scout cookies that just arrived.

“Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.” Proverbs 17:6

My Mom and Dad just celebrated 50 years of marriage. 50 years. The reception was held in Mom and Dad’s backyard, and we couldn’t have asked for better weather. (And yes, I asked for the weather we had!) Now, usually when this many of us get together, strange things happen. (See the entry titled ‘One Day Vacations’) I can’t say that this was the case on Sunday, but I did learn some things.

Most of you know that my Mom has Alzheimers, and that it has caused her to be confused and suspicious much of the time. We decided to hold the open house at their home because we thought it would be less confusing for her. That decision proved to be a good one. Mom had a wonderful time. My Dad has always enjoyed being around people, and he had a great time too.

For me, the whole thing was precious. More than a hundred people from the community came to wish my parents well. It blessed me to see how well thought of and loved they are by so many! People from the various churches that my Mom and Dad were members of all came together, so the Body of Christ was represented the way that it should be. Men and women that Mom and Dad have worked with over the years came to congratulate them. How blessed they are, and how blessed and proud am I to have them as parents. I know that not everyone has been so blessed, and I don’t take that for granted. That isn’t to say that there were not problems in the lives of my parents, but their lives are a testimony to the faithfulness of God.

You see, at one point, my Mom and Dad were divorced. That’s right. My family was broken by unfaithfulness. But God delights in using things that are broken to glorify His name. God brought my parents back together in a way that could only have been to His glory. Ask me about it sometime. The short story is that after a few months of being divorced, they came back together again. They planned to remarry, but hated the thought that there would forever be a gap in their lives together. (They had been married for 21 years when they divorced.) Enter the judge who issued the divorce decree. This dear man informed my parents that according to Indiana law, a divorce decree could be set aside as if the divorce never happened. And that is exactly what he did.

As Christians, we know that marriage is more than a legal contract. It is a covenant sealed before God. God doesn’t take covenants lightly, and neither should we. But thanks be to God, in His mercy He showed us that is possible to renew a covenant. I stood by my Mom as she and Dad renewed their marriage covenant before God, their children, and the pastor and his wife who had married them before.

All of this was in my mind and my heart on Sunday as I watched my Mom and Dad talk with their friends and family. My Dad bought my Mom a new wedding ring. This meant so very much to my Mom because she lost her original rings a few months ago. (Her Alzheimers has her convinced that her best friend Esther took her rings.) Mom was showing everyone who came her new ring. And Dad has been so precious to her as he stands by her “in sickness and in health” to care for her as best he can. He has truly become her faithful husband. One of the sweetest things that Dad said to me on Sunday was that it seemed like the first 25 years took a long time to pass, but that the last 25 passed in a heartbeat. I’m certain that he was right.

“Children’s children are a crown to the aged, AND PARENTS ARE THE PRIDE OF THEIR CHILDREN.” Proverbs 17:6

Mom and Dad, I’m proud of you.

I think that I’m finally beginning to get a feel for what it means to be part of the Body of Christ. I say that now, because I’ve been thinking about the way I have been responding to Jennifer Palmer’s going home to be with our Father.

Many of you already know about Jennifer’s battle with cancer. (If you don’t, go to www.livejournal.com/~palmerlp) I have been in tears multiple times this week since hearing about her death on Tuesday morning. I feel as if I’ve lost a precious member of my family, and the truth is, I never even met her. I only know their family through the Blog format, and through her interaction with other IndyChurch members.

Part of me is even jealous that she’s with God even now and we are still left here to deal with all of the mess that is our daily lives. How I long for the day when we will all be in His presence, made perfect in every way. The only answer I have for why things turned out the way that they did is that God is a good God. I’m not saying I can make sense out of it all, because I can’t. But I know that God is a good God.

The good that I have received from Jennifer’s shared life via blog is that I have “seen” a life lived in Christian love, community, and peace in times of trial. I’ve read as Mark has poured out his heart in ways that would equal King David’s psalms. I’ve started questioning how I am living my life to bring glory to the King, and seen others do so as well. And I’ve seen others from all over touched by the struggle going on join in prayer and encouragement.

God continue to bless you, Mark and Micah. Know that I weep with you as you weep, and I moun with you as you morn, and that someday I will dance with you as you dance with Jennifer once again. It is a blessing to call you brother.

Dear Body of Christ,

We missed you all on Sunday, but what we really needed was a one day vacation to the SECOND HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH! (Parking $9.00)

The Jenkins/Groce/Modesitt families decided that King’s Island wouldn’t survive without our attendance (money), and seeing that Weird Al Yankovic was going to be there in concert, Sunday seemed to be the obvious choice. (You’re not surprised about our affection for Weird Al, are you.)

My sister and her husband (suffering from a disabling back injury. no less), their three children and the seven of us decided to meet at the Eifel Tower at 10:30am. The Modesitt’s traveled to King’s Island on Saturday afternoon and spent the evening at a hotel enjoying the pool. Well, actually my sister didn’t enjoy it much as she was allergic to the pool chemicals being used.

Our caravan left a little shy of the “butt crack of dawn” that had been MY family tradition, but we were on our way before 7:30am. Mark and I traveled down memory lane thinking of how we used to load a cooler, bags of snacks, pillows, blankets, books, toys, car seats, and assorted children into the car for a one day trip. Now we just want to get there. No frills, just get in the car and go. Stop for air in the tires, stop for three “Egg McMoofins” and a Breakfast Burrito, and we are on our way!

Highlight of the car trip: NO BATHROOM STOPS! Think of it all you dear people out there with small children, NO BATHROOM STOPS. It was glorious! Upon arriving at our assigned parking space in Drop Zone 39, we walked QUICKLY to the entrance. Entering King’s Island post 9/11 is a bit more complicated than it used to be. Metal detectors and plastic bowls are involved. Mark and Andrew got busted for their deadly pen knives and had to leave them in the Security Office for later retrieval. (Don’t you feel safer just knowing that no one in King’s Island is carrying a pen knife?) My brother-in law Jeff, (Mr. Back Injury) had a harder time getting through. He has metal in his spine, and a spinal implant that scrambles the nerve signals to his brain to keep his brain from telling him that he is in HORRIBLE PAIN. This device requires a REMOTE to operate. I’m sure you get the picture. No, really, it’s a remote for control of my pain!

After some much needed relief, (NO BATHROOM STOPS!), we ran the gauntlet pass the “everyone get together so we can take your picture” people and headed for the Scooby Doo Haunted Mansion. You get to shine floodlights at the ghosts in this attraction, and they keep score. Momma J.:290, Andrew: 1800. Are we having fun yet?

Our gathering at the Tower was perfectly timed, and we enjoyed a ride up the elevator of the “1/3rd the size of the original” with 27 of our closest “friends” and “Sheckie” the 80 year old elevator operator who took the opportunity to try out some of his new material on the captive audience. (My dog was running a fever the other day so I took him to the vet. Know what they gave him? Mustard. That’s what you put on a hot dog.)

The rest of the day involved much walking, heat, Sponge Bob in 3-D (a MUST in my book) Chili-vision, and generally a bunch of rides. Lest you think that I couldn’t find God in all of this, YOU ARE WRONG. Most of these rides are designed to bring you closer to your Maker and illustrate the value of straight and level paths. Much prayer was being offered up.

The Weird Al concert was being held at King’s Island’s Timberwolf Amphitheater at 7:30pm (6:30pm in Indiana) Now, think about what the weather was like here on Sunday evening. Ah. My children and my husband will tell you that God and I have a thing about the weather. (Elaine can testify to this as well.) So, as the stage dude is announcing an impending thunderstorm with heavy downpours of rain expected, (did I mention that Timberwolf is an OUTDOOR venue?) it occured to me that I ought to pray. We stayed seated and while we did get a little wet, the storm went over and the concert went on after about an hour delay.

Weird Al, what can I say? He opened with a Polka Medley. Perfect, except I’m apparently getting old. I only knew one song in the medley (Slim Shady). He put on a great show of old favorites (My Bologna, Eat It - complete with fat suit, That’s Your Horoscope for Today, and many others), and changed costumes constantly. It was fun to see my family members standing and dancing and being told by the security dude to sit down. Weird Al’s encore was his Star Wars parody songs, so our crew left happy.

After enduring the line of Security Infractors, Mark and Andrew were reunited with their knives and we were able to return to our cars in relative safety.

No trip to King’s Island is complete until a stop is made at McD’s for body fuel to return home by. We were on our way back to Indy by 11:00pm Indiana time.

Vacation in a day. Arrived home around 1:00am (NO BATHROOM STOPS!) and cast lots for our turns in our single bathroom. Collapsed into bed and thanked God for family, friends, safety, and one day vacations.

Yesterday was the 4th of July. Independence Day. We spent the day with family, trying to beat the Indiana heat and humidity and fire off some fireworks without losing any limbs. All in all, it was a nice day without any fire related injuries. (Oh, but ask Mark about his big toe!)

The 4th of July always makes me think of our founding fathers and the sacrifices that they and others have made to allow me to live in a free country. But I think that in some respects they got it wrong. Freedom and independence are not the ultimate goal for happy living. God did not design us to live independently. My mother has become an object lesson to me in this respect.

My mother is a wonderful Christian woman, and has been extremely instrumental in my walk of faith. She is also now suffering from senile dementia. Mom took great pride in her self-sufficiency, and instilled that value in her children as well. Now it is really hard on her as she becomes more and more dependent on others around her to help her do even the most simple tasks. “I can do it myself” - a phrase that is repeated from an early age has now been replaced with “I don’t know what I was doing.” It is hard to watch. I didn’t expect to lose my Mom and still have her here, if you know what I mean. My Dad has been taking care of her, and is learning to do things that Mom always did for us. He is so precious. She is having to depend on him for everything. That just isn’t the way it is supposed to be! We are taught that we should not depend on others - pull yourself up by your own bootstraps - be a self-made man - and any number of other tapes that run in your head. I can do it. I can. What’s wrong with me if I can’t do it?

In God’s way of thinking, we weren’t ever supposed to live life alone. We were designed for relationship from the beginning. (Adam meet God. Adam meet Eve. Adam and Eve, meet God and let’s go for a walk.) But learning this model for living is hard! It is a much more complicated way to live my life. I am forced to think about others and not only myself. The House Church that I am a part of is really helping me. I can’t do it myself, I DESPERATELY need God, and I ABSOLUTELY need other believers around me. The truth is, I CAN’T do it myself, no matter how hard I try! Without God, I can do NOTHING, and He has chosen to use other believers as His hands, arms, mouth, and feet on this earth. I don’t have to be involved in “ministry” in the sense of an organized program. I hid behind that for long enough, and I didn’t find relationships that were satisfying. I know that I felt the most satisfied when I had the opportunity to share in someone’s life and to talk about what God was showing them and what He was teaching me. That kind of interaction is coming so much more naturally now. I am so grateful! I am also a bit sad that it has taken me so long to find this kind of fellowship in the church. I’m not faulting the church - heck, I’ve been part of it all my life - I just wish that I’d paid more attention to the Holy Spirit’s leading that kept saying “There is something deeper. Look to Jesus. Enjoy the simplicity of the Good News!” I’m so thankful that God is teaching me that it isn’t too late to lay down MY life and join others in theirs! The need for others in my life is NOT weakness, (which is the lie that I internalized as I was growing up) it is God’s gift to me.

Thank you, God for the way that you seek after us and place us in relationships, so that we can experience the fullness of life that you desire us to have. Help us to receive those you place in our lives with gratitude and love.