Teresa’s Blog

Much change is taking place in my life right now.

Daughter Katie is looking for a house to buy. Loves her new job with Tucker Realty. Filling our already too full garage with stuff for her house.

Daughter Sarah settling into her job with ATL at Eli Lilly Corporate. Also making plans to move into her own place.

Andrew, our son, finishes his degree in December after student teaching this fall. And then, he is getting married in May to a lovely girl named Michelle. Wedding plans are underway with a vengance, and I’m trying to figure out my role as Mother-of-the-Groom.

My wonder-grandchildren are growing and providing unlimited entertainment. Chloe is 2 and never ceases talking/singing. (O.K., she gets it honestly) Dylan will be 1 year old in 3 weeks and is mobile now and HUGE! Mom Amanda started a new job that she loves, and Dad Brian is ending a job that he . . .well it kept him in the work-a-day-world. That means that Brian will be taking over my job as caregiver for the wee ones. So. I’m going to be out of work.

My Dad is selling his house and has moved into an addition at my sister’s house. I thought I was handling it pretty well until we held the auction of all of his and Mom’s stuff and they got to the part where they said, “We’re going to auction the house next. ” That’s when I realized it was really going to happen. I never actually live in this house. (They started building it right after Mark and I married.) This was the house where my family gathered to celebrate all the milestones of life. Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Fourth of July. I watched my girls tear-up as well when the auctioneer asked for starting bids. Hard. Tremendously hard. Hard for my Dad, grateful that my Mom doesn’t realize what is happening.

Mark is busy at work, as always, but at least trying to find a better balance. I think that he’s realizing that a lot of life has passed by while he was at the office. Transition of his own. Mark HATES change. Again, hard.

Me? I’m sad, excited, grieving, anticipating, reeling, standing on the Rock, and a little breathless. I remember when I was giving birth to each of our four children, that when I reached the ‘transition stage” I got very weepy. Unable to control what was happening but excited about the new life that was about to be born. I guess that is pretty much how I feel right now. Weepy, out of control and looking forward to seeing what is about to be birthed into my life.

I’ve passed the one year mark since I had the eye surgery/radiation on my left eye. While I don’t have any sight in the eye, some things have become much clearer.

My battle with weight has turned into a “Who gives a rip anyway and what difference does it make?” excuse for not doing what I know is healthy for me. I’ve gained back most of what I lost. I’m still going to meet with the folks at Olson Center For Wellness though. They haven’t given up on me. (Sometimes I think that ticks me off!)

Something hit me though as I watched the Biggest Loser finale Tuesday night. One of the women on the show was having a rough time once she got back home and was finally talking to her Mom about it. Her Mom was trying to be encouraging by telling her what an inspiration she was for all of her family and even thousands of people she didn’t know. Then the woman replied, “But I can’t be that, I wanted to do this just for me.”

That’s it.

I have tried time and time again to lose weight for all of the wrong reasons. To get to a certain size…to get a car (long story)…to give my husband a prettier wife…to be more attractive..to inspire my family…but never just for me. When I started thinking about it, I came to realize that I don’t really know how to do anything just for me. (Well except hide food to eat alone, but that doesn’t seem helpful.)

How do I lose weight just for myself? Take time to exercise just for me? Have a healthy meal just for me? I HAVE to figure this out. I know that it isn’t necessary to become totally self-absorbed, but that is what I think I fear will happen if I let myself think of me first. This is scary for me, but I have to find a way to do it.

Carrying the weight of what this will do for others is more than I can bear. If others are inspired, great, but I have to change the way I approach food in my life if I’m ever going to get to a weight that will allow me to be healthy. I have to understand that it is OK to think about what I need from life.

Kind of big and scary for me, but I think I’m ready to get started. I’m glad that I have people around me who love me and a God who loves me even when I don’t get it. I’ll keep you posted.