. . . But Now I Can See
Thursday, December 1st, 2005I’ve passed the one year mark since I had the eye surgery/radiation on my left eye. While I don’t have any sight in the eye, some things have become much clearer.
My battle with weight has turned into a “Who gives a rip anyway and what difference does it make?” excuse for not doing what I know is healthy for me. I’ve gained back most of what I lost. I’m still going to meet with the folks at Olson Center For Wellness though. They haven’t given up on me. (Sometimes I think that ticks me off!)
Something hit me though as I watched the Biggest Loser finale Tuesday night. One of the women on the show was having a rough time once she got back home and was finally talking to her Mom about it. Her Mom was trying to be encouraging by telling her what an inspiration she was for all of her family and even thousands of people she didn’t know. Then the woman replied, “But I can’t be that, I wanted to do this just for me.”
That’s it.
I have tried time and time again to lose weight for all of the wrong reasons. To get to a certain size…to get a car (long story)…to give my husband a prettier wife…to be more attractive..to inspire my family…but never just for me. When I started thinking about it, I came to realize that I don’t really know how to do anything just for me. (Well except hide food to eat alone, but that doesn’t seem helpful.)
How do I lose weight just for myself? Take time to exercise just for me? Have a healthy meal just for me? I HAVE to figure this out. I know that it isn’t necessary to become totally self-absorbed, but that is what I think I fear will happen if I let myself think of me first. This is scary for me, but I have to find a way to do it.
Carrying the weight of what this will do for others is more than I can bear. If others are inspired, great, but I have to change the way I approach food in my life if I’m ever going to get to a weight that will allow me to be healthy. I have to understand that it is OK to think about what I need from life.
Kind of big and scary for me, but I think I’m ready to get started. I’m glad that I have people around me who love me and a God who loves me even when I don’t get it. I’ll keep you posted.