Teresa’s Blog

Last summer I noticed that there seemed to be a “shadow” in the vision of my left eye. In typical Teresa fashion, I ignored it for several months. Finally, in September, I made an appointment with my optometrist. At my appointment, Dr. Koval found that there was cause for concern and made an appointment for me to see Dr. John Minturn, a specialist.

October 1st Mark and I met with Dr. Minturn and we sat while he told us that I had an occular melanoma … a cancerous tumor in my left eye. Cancer huh? 97% cure rate. Surgery to implant a radioactive disc behind my eye. Four days in the hospital with limited human contact. Hmm.

I can’t even begin to tell you how at peace I was. I know that it had to have been God’s peace. It isn’t normal to be at peace when someone tells you that you have cancer. I didn’t “lose it” till the doctor told me I wouldn’t be able to be around my granddaughter Chloe during the four days that I was radioactive. That made me cry. But beyond that, I was and continue to be, wrapped in the love and peace of God.

November 9th, my 50th birthday, I had surgery at Methodist Hospital. Everything went as planned, and the next four days loomed ahead with little prospect of anything but boredom. I had a lead eye patch … not too stylish … and very heavy! I added a smiley face sticker to it one day, and a google-eye to see if I could persuade Dr. Minturn to smile, but he remained as stoic as ever. A couple of good friends braved the radiation, and my brother Joe (a dynamite jazz bassist) brought me a milkshake from Hardee’s. Beyond that it was Mark, the nursing staff, the Food Network, and me.

It won’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows me that I was really looking for where God was in all of this. I knew He was with me, because I could feel Him, but I couldn’t SEE Him. I couldn’t SEE where He was taking me. I was blind to the purpose and plan. After all, I’d spent the past nine months doing what I could to get healthy. I’d lost nearly 60 pounds, walked, and walked, and walked. Why was this happening NOW? I really felt blindsided by it all, but still completely peaceful. Weird.

My Psalm for the year was Psalm 27.
“The Lord is my light and my salvation … whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life … of whom shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep be safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.
Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors, Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.?

I had to hang onto the Lord’s hand and allow myself to be lead where He wanted me to go. And let me tell you, it is dark sometimes. I have very little sight in my left eye … I can see contrast if the room is really bright … but that is it, and I have no depth perception. Where are we going Father? I can’t see the path.

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16.

Even in the darkness, a Light still shines . . .

More to come soon.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005 at 7:42 pm and is filed under Unloading My Brain. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.